People don’t join cults. They get involved in groups they are led to believe represent these high ideals.” — Rosanne Henry, MA, LPC
SUGGESTED “DO’s”
- Take care of yourself
- Chronic stress kills!
- Take breaks from thinking about the issue
- Focus on your other relationships
- Find some way to be at peace
- Recognize strengths of the member
- Recognize the benefits s/he’s getting
- Keep the connection
- Build the relationship (show interest, respect)
- Maintain communication; find common ground
- Build Trust; act in ways that contradict picture group painted of you
- Be honest about your feelings; express calmly, not in a blaming way
- Respond calmly to questions and provocative statements rather than react emotionally
- Stimulate critical thinking at appropriate times, e.g. cognitive dissonance
- Use “I” messages
Be a “researcher;” learn as much as you can about the group:
- So you can talk the language and “join” with your loved one
- So you can recognize contradictions
Keep tension low on visits:
- Plan and rehearse good responses to questions
- Be alert for opportunities when member expresses doubts or the group is less vigilant
- Be patient and wait for an optimal time to intervene
CAUTIONARY “DON’TS”:
- Criticize the group
- Argue with other family members in front of group member
- React to provocative statements
- Jump on expressions of doubt; stay calm; explore
- Let your amygdala (adrenaline) hijack your executive brain
- Forget the long-term goal
- Get discouraged; most people leave eventually
Doni Whitsett, Ph.D., LCSW
Adapted from Livia Bardin, MSW, LCSW